Saturday, June 29, 2013
ELFQUEST: Wolfrider Volume 1 by Wendy & Richard Pini
It's sooo cheesy. There is no comic relief. The names of all the characters are completely trite and unoriginal : Mantricker, Bearclaw, Joyleaf ??? WTF. I'm bored already. These elves ride wolves, speak telepathically and live in a "holt". (Holt Renfrew? Holt 45? tehehe, I know it's not called that, Steve Holt?) A holt is a woodland area. Sigh. How original. Stupid wood elves. You know what class I never play in D&D or Elder Scrolls.. Wood Elf! Never play it, don't care.. bloody lame and short. I'm short in real life. Why would I wanna be short in an RPG? I am a Glitterboy in RIFTS for a reason. IT'S GIGANTIC and you don't even have to exit the suit to piss. It has built in plumbing. Wow the french sure know how to build mecha. (For anyone who is unfamiliar with RIFTS, please Google the word with Paladium. Marvel at the quadruple XL T-shirts.)
Alright, back to this awful, boring book. The first adventure these 3 foot elves experience happens to be bartering with some subterranean trolls. Another original name here- Maggoty. Just when I'm already bored, things get more boring when some humans enter the scene. Wouldn't you know it, apparently it's all out war because the elves and humans cannot understand each others language (oh and the humans think the elves are demons). The elves refer to the humans as "round-ears" and the humans refer to the elves as ... wait for it... nope you got it wrong! They call them "pointy-ears"! Wait, that's what you guessed the humans would use as a derogatory term for the elves? So you're saying this book is totally unoriginal and boring?
You know, I really tried to get into this because it's a cult classic, but it looks like I started out with the wrong volume. Or maybe the whole series is just shite. At any rate, I think I'll just leave this one in the spank bank... back away slowly and pick up some quality stuff by Brandon Graham to make me happy. Matthew will be happy to know I'm into King City finally. Yeay for a break from school!!